On the evening of June 16 at approximately 9:58 p.m., the first signs of the attack manifested itself in the village of Hadley as I traveled down Elba Road. The initial contact was brutal, re-forming the front hood of my car with a speed Mercury would have to stop and admire.

When the exact same thing happened at almost the exact same location in mid-July, the message was clear: My '99 Corolla had seen its final days, and so would I if I didn’t stand up and fight for my rights as a proud Michigander.

So, who is this evil entity declaring battle on my very being? What was this fiendishly unfriendly thing that went bump in the night, as well as off the engine hatch of my fuel efficient yet less-than-dynamic road pounder?

It was a doe, a deer, a female deer, to be precise. No antlers, all action.

As I drove past a tall patch of tan grass and weeds, the light brown forest monster emerged in full flight, taking the 40-mph blow like Jerome Bettis at the goal line, continuing onward as though my silver import was barely even a blip on the radar.

When it was over, the beast disappeared with the same stealth and speed that accompanied the original attack, leaving my headlights forever crooked and my automobile barely mobile.

Now, in an effort to reap revenge for the loss of my transportation, I vow to hunt down this scourge of the north known as the antlerless deer. Wherever they go and whatever they do, I’ll be there with the heart of a lion and the ever-present vigilance of an imaginary friend to once and for all end this evil empire of oppression called nature; and it starts today!

A visit to www.michigan.gov tells me just some of the history regarding antlerless deer hunting in-state:

“A decade of carrying more than 1 million animals with bucks-only hunting severely damaged the habitat. Deeryards became death traps for deer, where they came for cover but had no food. The reproductive rate of nutritionally stressed does was poor, as was the survival rate of fawns born in late May and early June.”

“In 1941, for the first time since the ‘buck law’ of 1921, antlerless deer were taken in an experimental hunt in a 37-square-mile parcel in Allegan County after the regular season. Sportsmen and non-hunters reacted so negatively that the either-sex camp deer law was repealed.”

While this may seem extreme, in 1952 a major antlerless season was held in the northern Lower Peninsula, north of Highway M-20, with a total of 95,810 antlerless deer being taken. In response, numerous complaint letters arrived in Lansing, one of which was signed in doe’s blood. Now that’s extreme.

My point is, man’s no longer living in harmony with the earth, and something has to be done to stem this downward tide, including taking a further look at www.michigan.gov that says:

“In the late 1980s, the Department of Natural Resources reaffirmed its goal of 1.3 million deer in the fall herd. However, a new dimension was added by specifying that 35 percent of this fall herd should be antlered bucks. Increased hunting of antlerless deer was encouraged by quota and area to thin adult doe herds.”

“The heightened opportunity to take antlerless deer reduced the hunting pressure exclusively devoted to bucks. Thinning the herd also increased fawn survival so that more one-and-a-half-year-old bucks were recruited into the fall herd in the 1990s.”

Perhaps what this situation calls for is the proper management of the ecosystem, such as the vegetative communities deer frequent. Resources must be maintained and available. Michiganders have supplied millions of dollars to develop hunting regulations based on scientific data, so let’s find a non-lethal solution to deer overpopulating suburban areas before lethal options become the only choice.

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